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(FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text (Read 12391 times)

Started by Momotaro, July 28, 2022, 04:44:17 pm
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(FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#1  July 28, 2022, 04:44:17 pm
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I'm working on the translation of Videl's Chapter, my short fan manga in Dragon Ball universe.
As some of you know, I'm not a native english speaker, and I'm really not sure if my sentences are right.

I prefer you guys check it before I post it officially. Thanks!

exemple, perhaps : "SOME former martial artists" etc.

Last Edit: July 29, 2022, 09:14:36 am by Momotaro
Re: (English text) Can you guys help me checking my text
#2  July 29, 2022, 07:37:25 am
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Hey, happy to help.

For starters, "All right" is two separate words. The non-separate version would be "alright", but it's used in different contexts ("I'm doing alright").

Regarding the first arrow: It's "shooting AT the crowd". I'd change the whole thing to read: "We won't hesitate to shoot at the crowd, either!"

Second arrow: There's nothing wrong grammatically with this bubble, but using "whom" is a bit too fancy, I feel. They don't seem like the type of people to know when to use "who" vs. "whom" (that might be shallow of me to say, LOL. For all I know, they're very well-spoken and eloquent "thugs", LOL). Maybe something like "We're former martial artists who have been defeated by you in the past through cowardly methods".

Last arrow: I'd use "that" instead of "this" right before "cowardly method". Heck, just to not say "cowardly methods" twice, you could say "...I had to use those kinds of tactics".

Hope that helps!
Re: (English text) Can you guys help me checking my text
#3  July 29, 2022, 09:16:25 am
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Hey, happy to help.

For starters, "All right" is two separate words. The non-separate version would be "alright", but it's used in different contexts ("I'm doing alright").

Regarding the first arrow: It's "shooting AT the crowd". I'd change the whole thing to read: "We won't hesitate to shoot at the crowd, either!"

Second arrow: There's nothing wrong grammatically with this bubble, but using "whom" is a bit too fancy, I feel. They don't seem like the type of people to know when to use "who" vs. "whom" (that might be shallow of me to say, LOL. For all I know, they're very well-spoken and eloquent "thugs", LOL). Maybe something like "We're former martial artists who have been defeated by you in the past through cowardly methods".

Last arrow: I'd use "that" instead of "this" right before "cowardly method". Heck, just to not say "cowardly methods" twice, you could say "...I had to use those kinds of tactics".

Hope that helps!

Thanks a lot Graphicus!

Yes, they should not talk so "perfectly" and in eloquent way ^^

I will update the text as you told me!
In this kind of sittuation, I notice my english is understandable, but not perfect! :)
Last Edit: July 29, 2022, 09:22:18 am by Momotaro
Re: (FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#4  August 01, 2022, 06:14:54 pm
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Oh, yeah. Your English is perfectly understandable. I doubt anyone would complain, especially if they knew it wasn't your first language. I only gave you suggestions because you asked for them ;)
Re: (FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#5  August 01, 2022, 10:59:48 pm
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Thanks! Again!
I will post the page tomorrow!
Re: (FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#6  August 02, 2022, 08:50:04 am
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For starters, "All right" is two separate words. The non-separate version would be "alright", but it's used in different contexts ("I'm doing alright").

Just gonna weigh in because this confused me a bit. I've always found "all right" and "alright" to be pretty interchangeable, and for "alright" to more commonly be used simply because it's shorter.
Re: (FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#7  August 02, 2022, 09:27:42 am
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For starters, "All right" is two separate words. The non-separate version would be "alright", but it's used in different contexts ("I'm doing alright").

Just gonna weigh in because this confused me a bit. I've always found "all right" and "alright" to be pretty interchangeable, and for "alright" to more commonly be used simply because it's shorter.

Simple.

(A) The answers were all right
(B) The answers were alright.

(A) means that the answers were all correct while (B) suggests all the answers were satisfactory.
-------------------------------------
(C) All right, let's do this.
(D) Let's do this, alright?

(C) would be giving people the green light while (D) would be asking for their opinions.

They are confusing but if you get the hang of it, it gets easier.
Re: (FIXED) Can you guys help me checking my text
#8  August 02, 2022, 10:11:38 am
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(A) The answers were all right
(B) The answers were alright.

(A) means that the answers were all correct while (B) suggests all the answers were satisfactory.
See that makes sense, but
(C) All right, let's do this.
(D) Let's do this, alright?
Here you changed the placement of the two phrases. Where they seem interchangeable is in the first positioning.
"Alright, let's do this." is just as accepted as "All right, let's do this." and essentially mean the same thing, or that's at least how I've picked it up. Where they might differentiate dialogue-wise is in tonality. "All right" is a more mature phrasing, whereas "alright" is more slang-like and juvenile, if that makes sense. Again, just things I've picked up.
Last Edit: August 02, 2022, 10:16:34 am by Dawn de Era