From this point on, most of this is going from memory, as I jotted down as much as I could remember after the call was over. Since the call was HALF AN HOUR LONG, I probably forgot stuff and a lot of it is me and the dude repeating ourselves, but the spirit is hopefully still intact.
The call started off normally to my routine, and everything was going according to plan, when I pulled the "I'm on a Mac" card. What happened was... well, different.
AGENT: Oh, we develop for Mac as well."
ME:But you said you're from Microsoft, why would you develop for Mac? (I'm hoping he's gullible enough to fall for that).
AGENT: I never said I'm from Microsoft!
ME: You started your call by saying you work for Microsoft.
AGENT: I mean we develop for Microsoft.
ME: Maybe there's a language barrier issue going on between us. Where are you guys situated?
AGENT: Oh, I am from the Phillipines.
ME: Oh! Mabuhay Pinoy! I have lots of family there! You might know them, they're the Malachico family!
AGENT: No I don't.
ME: Oh, I forgot, the Malachico family is just the current name for the descendants of Lapu-Lapu.
AGENT: Who's that?
ME: How can you claim to be Filipino if you don't know who Lapu-Lapu is?!
AGENT: Should I?
ME: He's only the Filipino hero who killed Magellan!
AGENT: Uhhh, I...
ME: Listen, if you're going to pretend to be Filipino, at least know your history dude.
AGENT: But sir this call is not about the history, it's about a viruses on your comp-
ME: (interrupting) Look, this isn't working, get me your supervisor.
AGENT: Okay...
SUPERVISOR: Hello, I am George, we are calling about viru-
ME: Are you the same guy changing your voice?
SUPERVISOR: No I'm not.
ME: Okay, just wondering. Hey, before we continue, I need to ask, do you guys work for Microsoft, and are you in the Phillipines?
SUPERVISOR: No, we just develop for Microsoft, and we're centered in America!
ME: Your dude was saying that you ARE Microsoft, and that you're in the Phillipines.
SUPERVISOR: Well that's wrong.
ME: You might want to talk to him and tell him what his company is and where he is in the world.
SUPERVISOR: He didn't say any of that. You're lying!
ME: Is this how you're going to get me to try your service? By telling me I'm lying?
SUPERVISOR: He didn't say any of that!
ME: I'm recording this call right now, I could play it back to check (lying, obviously)
SUPERVISOR: So are we, and we can play it back too.
ME: Then play it!
SUPERVISOR: We are recording for customer service, you play it back.
ME: But then I'd miss out on this conversation, and it's great!
SUPERVISOR: You are not recording, you are a liar.
ME: Listen dude, I work a customer service desk, and the number one rule for having a happy customer is to make sure that you place as little fault as possible on them. In other words, you don't call them "liars" if you want them to do what you want them to do.
SUPERVISOR: You are not a customer!
ME: Then what am I?
SUPERVISOR: You are wasting our time!
ME: But you guys called me.
SUPERVISOR: We will NEVER call you again!
ME: Alright, cool, I would like that.
SUPERVISOR: (acting like he's been disconnected) Hello? Hello?
ME: (doing the same) Hi! Are you there?
AFTER LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES OF THIS
SUPERVISOR: WHEN ARE YOU HANGING UP?!
ME: Ladies first, dear.
SUPERVISOR: You know what? (trying to do a valley girl voice) You are an ASSHOOOOOOOLE.
ME: A what?
SUPERVISOR: An ASSHOOOOOOOLE.
ME: Do you really think calling me an asshole is going to make be do your service?
SUPERVISOR: Oh that's done now. We will call you EVERY NIGHT.
ME: But I thought you said I was wasting your time.
SUPERVISOR: We will call you EVERY NIGHT until you do what we tell you to do!
ME: Oh, so our normal arrangement. Okay. Oh hey, I wanna check something real quick. Is this your phone number? (reads number off the Caller ID)
SUPERVISOR: (stammering) Ummm... I...
ME: Oh, so it is? Okay, here's a tip. You might want to look into a Caller ID Block, because all I need is this phone number to go to the FTC and make a repor-
SUPERVISOR: (hangs up)
