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The decadence of life scares me. (Read 1776 times)

Started by SlySuavity, October 27, 2016, 07:09:32 AM
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The decadence of life scares me.
#1  October 27, 2016, 07:09:32 AM
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And not for myself, but rather loved ones.

Time and again I'm gripped by this one irrational fear: to lose a parent. This occurs sporadically, and it'll bring me down. It's not so much I dread their actual cause of death, but the inevitability.

It's rough, and is a quicker way to trigger me a fight-or-flight response... But granted, I feel many here can relate. Anyway, I'll lend further context on my mother -- for starters, her name is Diane.

She also reached her fifties, yet will live many more thanks to exercise. Moreover, Diane's a responsible woman, often working health care. She's charitable and quick to call people out for wrongdoing.

At home? She's caring as you'd expect; Diane pushed me to graduation and left many a valuable advice since. Even as we live separately, she sends biscuits or left-overs occasionally. Genuine super-mom.

So yeah, it weighs on me. No one had a larger impact, and to this day I still find myself asking, "how would she do it?" I know people aren't made to bottle up... So here I ask, how does one even cope?

If anything, I do feel better typing this.
Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#2  October 27, 2016, 09:35:27 AM
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Nothing can really prepare you for it when it happens. My grandmother was constantly talking about her death, even as I was a kid, with a laundry list of symptoms that would kill her. She eventually was diagnosed with cancer but instead of treating it, she put it off and by the time she finally addressed it, it was too late. Since chemo with her conditions would've killed her off, she instead died a slow, painful death over the course of more than a year. During all of this, those of us taking care of her just accepted that as part of the daily routine: go to work, come home, make sure grandma gets enough morphine and (near the end) keep her from acting on her delusions, and know that at some point she will die.

When she finally died, it took a lot of getting used to. There's initially that phase of denial where you think "okay, well that was tragic, but tomorrow we're gonna get the morphine re-oh..." Then there's lots of sadness and just ANYTHING to feel like she's still around is comforting. But eventually, you come to accept it and remember good things about them.

I don't expect you or anyone reading this to just take it seriously, because it's not really something you can prepare for. You just have to live through it and grow to accept it.

If there's any advice I can give, just spend as much time with her and treasure as many of those moments as you can. It might not make it easier in the end, but knowing that your time is finite makes those times all the more valuable.
Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#3  October 27, 2016, 09:55:17 AM
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The fear of losing anyone so close to you is scary. I am so darn close to my family because of it, for you never know when people will leave this earth. But at the same time, that is the way of life, how we live it is up to us and if we make it worthwhile. When my aunt died from cancer, my world just stopped and I even shut myself from others. Me, her, and my cousin would go everywhere together where I live at and we would make the best of it. I hold on to those precious memories because she truly was one of a kind and I loved my auntie no matter what happened. Memories are like jewels that you must treasure no matter the value, and don't forget that you have family. I just wish that I could take back some things I would say to others in the past as well, because words cuts worse than any blade. You just have to know that people aren't immortal and treasure moments with others. That's all I got to say, other than just keep your strength up and be there for your family.
Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#4  October 28, 2016, 06:03:25 PM
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I've grown up with a major disconnect for my family because they're not blood and deep down it affected and changed me, as well as a divorce. The one person in my family I do connect with is my mother. Regardless of bloodlines, she kind of just knew that I was destined to be her son seeing for the first time at the orphanage. Our bond is strong and while I don't react to many thing emotionally, I find that in stories of mothers losing it sons (and visa versa), it speaks to me greatly and will be destroyed when that time eventually comes. She's been diagnosed with cancer and has been keeping it under wraps for some years now. She's very positive and powerful and that's not going to be the end of her, I know. However, I can relate to what you're saying completely. I try not to think about it and keep in contact best I can. She lives in NM right now, far away from me, so phone calls is the best we can do mostly. I'd say just be able to appreciate the time you have here and don't think about the eventual aftermath. You will deal with it when that time comes, so try not to worry about it beforehand.

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Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#5  October 28, 2016, 07:08:43 PM
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if there is one thing i have ALWAYS refuse to accept is the inevitable day when my mom would not be on this earth anymore.
Now what hit me REALLY hard recently is the fact that for once since i was a kid, last month, she almost had a cerebrovascular accident (she couldn't feel her arm for like 4 minute out of nowhere and luckily instead of listening to her, my sister said "no let's not disregard that and let's go to the hospital right now!".....where they found a huge blood clot which would have eventually killed her!): it was the first time something medically critical like that happened to her and it is part of what happens when you get older.

i hate the realisation that i now have to be in that state of mind where anything COULD happen (that and the fact there is an ocean between me and her).
Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#6  November 13, 2016, 04:49:35 AM
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inevitable, it is natural, otherwise life would be stagnant.

just wish when it happens, hopefully it won't be in a tragedy. I watched my father passed on the hospital bed, and luckily my grandma passed also in hospital, so all passed peacefully.

several times though I had to carry my grandma into the car and rush to the hospital because she fell, or had a high fever, so I did some rehearsal of that possible scenario over several years, so when it finally happened it was not so surprising since she is 95yrs old already.

my mom is still alive she is on her 60's, we're not that close though. 

OZ

Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#7  November 14, 2016, 09:09:54 PM
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my father died when i was in my early teens

it's of course still a shock even if you see it coming for a ways
things are very different and you have to cope day by day
but then the world keeps turning and eventually it's just the new normal

you can try to come to terms with the loss beforehand, but i think it's something that only really exists in that moment
and the inevitability of it means that it does little good to stress yourself out about it
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Re: The decadence of life scares me.
#8  November 15, 2016, 12:00:40 AM
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I've noticed the hardest part is when the departure happens "untimely".

In the case of old people, sometimes the idea slowly grows on you as you visit them in their hospital bed time and time again, and you grief a little each time as you come to terms with the idea that it'll happen.

The problem is when someone is gone suddenly. There were no signs that it was coming, you left things unsaid ... then it leaves a void, and sometimes regret of all the things you wanted to do and say to them.